The Missing Part of Me

This fic is for Julie.

She drew this fanart for me on one of her streams and I told her I was going to write a companion piece to go along with it. So this is for you bb. I hope you like it~ :)

“Sorry about this, Kon,” Tim mumbled as Kon hoisted him on his back. “I don’t know what’s with me, but lately I’ve just been so tired…”

“It’s not like I mind,” said Kon, making sure he had a firm hold on Tim before beginning his walk back to the Tower.

He supposed he could always fly them over, but there were a few things he wanted—no, that he needed to tell Tim first. They were finally alone together. Since Tim’s return to the Titans a couple weeks ago, there hadn’t been very many opportunities for Kon to speak with him in private. There was always something or other interrupting them or getting in the way; it was beginning to frustrate him. Taking the long way back would ensure any disruptions or breach in their privacy.

But where to start?

How was Kon supposed to tell Tim that during his absence it made Kon see what he’d really been missing? That all this time he’d been gone, Kon had missed him… dreadfully; it made him ache with a kind of loneliness and longing he’d never, once, felt even for Cassie, and Kon knew he’d loved her dearly. How was he supposed to tell his best friend that what he felt for him wasn’t so… platonic anymore? That it never had been. That Kon had been blind and stupid and didn’t know what he wanted until it was finally gone?

“What’s the matter?” said Tim, breaking through Kon’s thoughts.

“What?” said Kon, a little tense because this was Tim he was thinking about here. Tim knew him better than anybody—even better than himself. He could read Kon and know what was on his mind without effort. And the last thing Kon wanted was for Tim to figure out what was bothering him before he even got the chance to confess.

Tim sighed and leaned in a little closer; Kon could feel the warmth of his breath against his neck and his hair and skin brushing along his cheekbones, tickling him. It made Kon’s breathing suddenly go uneven and his heart beat a little bit faster. He was somewhat glad that Tim didn’t have any super powers to be able to tell any of these things.

“You’ve been silent this whole time, Kon,” said Tim quietly and Kon felt him lean his head against his shoulder. “That’s not really like you. Obviously something must be on your mind.”

Kon opened his mouth, feeling that overwhelming squeeze in the center of his chest just bursting to tell Tim everything.

I love you, Tim. More than anything. I want you. I need you. I just want to be with you. I want you by my side…

But… what if Tim didn’t feel the same? What if he rejected him? And then he was clamming up again, the excitement in his belly turning cold and making him feel sick.

It was rather strange and pathetic how he was literally indestructable towards any weapon imaginable (except Kryptonite and magic of course), but being this close to Tim made Kon vulnerable in a way he’d never been before.

He was pretty sure Kryptonite would feel like nothing compared to rejection. Or worse, losing Tim all over again. Tim’s friendship meant the world to Kon and he would never risk that… not for anything.

But… if he didn’t try, Kon thought, he’d be stuck wondering what if for the rest of his life. And Kon wondered what would be worse? Rejection or regret?

He caught a glimpse of the tower across the bay and began his ascent into the air; the cool, summer breeze blowing against his hair and face, calming him down.

“Tim…” he started. “There are some things… I’ve been wanting to tell you. So please listen.” When Tim didn’t say anything, Kon took it as a sign to continue. “I… I missed you…” he murmured and felt his face immediately heat up. “I-I mean… of course I missed you. You’re my best friend. But that’s not really what I meant. I… I just…”

He wasn’t doing a very good job explaining himself and would have buried his face in his hands if not for the fact that he was holding Tim, who was nice enough not to comment on his blunder. Kon took another deep breath and started over.

“You’ve been gone so long I… well,” he laughed nervously, “you know I used to walk into your old room a lot. I refused to let anybody move your things or even think about replacing you. Whenever I was bored or feeling lonely, or sometimes when Cassie and I had a fight … that’s where I’d go to calm down, to think. I’d just sit there all night, think about what you’d say in those kinds of situations and I’d feel like myself again.”

He smiled softly.

“You always did have that affect on me,” he said. “And then one day, I started going there regularly. It became a habit. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep, I’d walk around the Tower and end up at your door… like my feet just took me there on their own.”

Kon smiled again, his thoughts many miles away; to a dark room, an empty desk and an untouched bed that smelt and felt like Tim. He often pictured Tim lying on his side with his eyes shut, his chest breathing evenly and his mind dreaming of something happy for once. And Kon remembered wanting nothing more than to be right there. To see it all happen. To be the one who made it happen.

It was the first time Kon realized just how in love he’d been with Tim and never even known it.

“Tim,” he began again. They were approaching the Tower roof now. “What I’m trying to say is… you’re more than just my Robin. You’re… everything. You always have been. I’ve just been too blind to see it. To see what you meant to me. It took you being gone for me to realize what I’ve been missing. What I’ve been wanting this whole time. And it’s you, Tim. It’s always been you.”

He took a deep breath.

“And I can understand if you don’t feel the same way. I’m not expecting anything out of this and I don’t want this to hinder our friendship in any way, but I just wanted to tell you … I felt like if I didn’t at least tell you how I feel, just once, I’d go insane or worse, regret it.”

Kon finally touched the ground.

“So what do you say, Tim?” he said when Tim remained silent. “Tim? Tim?”

But Tim didn’t say anything and Kon was beginning to feel nervous. He slowly and gently slid Tim off his back and turned him around.

“Tim, I—” Kon stopped.

Tim… was asleep.

Did that mean… all that time Kon had been pouring his heart out Tim hadn’t heard any of it? It made Kon sigh in both disappointment and relief. Normally, he would have yanked his hair out in frustration or found the nearest blunt object and just whacked himself with it, but Tim had been so tired and so unresistant to Kon’s offer to carry him that Kon couldn’t bring himself to feel that upset.

Tim looked… peaceful for once. His mind untarnished by wild case obsessions or any nightmares. He looked serene; his face soft and untroubled. As if moving on their own accord, Tim pressed the side of his cheek against Kon’s chest, sighing in content.

It made Kon’s eyes soften. He bent down, slipped his arm underneath Tim’s knees and picked him up; Tim’s head lobbing on his shoulder.

As soon as they reached Tim’s room, Kon divested his shoes, the cape and all the gauntlets and armor. He found one of his old shirts that he’d forgotten the last time he slept there and dressed Tim in; the size of the sleeves eating a good portion of Tim’s arms and legs, hiding the scars that Kon could not help but trace to the last painful detail. Lastly, Kon found a clean pair of pajama bottoms and helped Tim put them on before pushing him back against the covers and pulling the covers over him.

For a moment he just watched Tim sleep; the movement of his shoulders and chest as he breathed, the way his mouth parted and his fingers curled on the pillow. Kon listened to his heart, the steady patter a sure sign that nothing was amiss.

“You give me so much trouble, you know that?” he said softly, even though he knew Tim was too faraway to hear him. Kon brushed a strand of Tim’s bangs from his face, his fingers caressing along his cheek, where it was warm.

“Mmm… Kon…” Tim mumbled, unconsciously shifting closer to his touch. It made Kon smile.

He leaned over and pressed his lips on the surface of Tim’s forehead, lingering there for just a minute longer.

“It’s okay,” he murmured, closing his eyes. “I’ll tell you again soon.” He breathed in deep. “I love you, Tim. Good night.”

Kon left the room and made his way back down the hall again, completely missing Tim’s forming smile in his sleep and the soft whispers of, “I love you too…Kon” into the night.